Limbo.

It's been nine months since i've been here. I left because i was happy. I presumed it was finally all over. 

But it had only just started and all i needed was to come here, again. 

I've been happy. 

29.10.2011

I still remember how tightly i held his hand that last night we spent together because i knew he would let me go if i didn't. 
He lay sideways facing the otherside. 
"It's okay, i love you. I always will, no matter what happens."
I slid my fingers through his and rest my head on his back. I counted from one to hundred and back with my eyes shut while we breathed in sync. 
Fear and uncertainty filled me up. 
He let me go anyway.

I, the most depressing alphabet.

The timing. 
The moment. 
The spaces. 
The atmosphere. 
The air.
The anxiety.
The impatience.
The voices in your head.
The ties.
The words spoken.
The words unspoken.
The intensity.
The joy.
The fall.
Everything we had.

"To know me as hardly golden,

is to know me all wrong, 

they warn."

all wrong.

I
We sat there, early in the morning, holding each other tight to keep ourselves warm. 
We sat there, early in the morning, smoking funny, smuggled cigarettes.
He shivered for about a second, or less. It was a shiver, yes. I gave him my purple sweater. He put it on and held me. 
Like a child, he placed his head sideways on my shoulder. 

II
'I'm lying next to the world's best pillow and still not getting any sleep.'
I giggled and turned towards him. I held him, carefully. He rested his head on my arm and held me closer. 
My hands began to shake. They wouldn't remain still unless i held him, so i did. 

III
He lay still, on my lap, staring at the screen. I caressed the entire length of his hair, multiple times.
I smiled while i looked at him, every now and then. 
 "The world forgetting, by the world forgot. Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind". 
He shook, all of a sudden and held my hand. He cupped it in his and held it to his chest.

IV
It was dark, the auditorium. I sat behind, where only i could see what was around me and not the other way around. I rested my elbows on a chair in front of me and leaned forward. 
A group of people were walking towards the exit. I turned away for a moment and then turned back. 
A tall, lean silhouette stood there. Shoulder-length, wavy hair. He turned around and began to walk towards the exit. I blinked really hard to clear my eyes, whatever that means. I had to make sure it wasn't something i was imagining. He continued to walk towards the exit with his eyes to the floor. I continued to look at him until he walked out. The play began.

Truth is what shatters you, piece by piece. Lies keep you going, for miles together. Then why all the junk about morality? 
Survival of the fittest, the fittest lie, the fittest deceive, the fittest survive. 
Then why pretend? It's the world's most well kept secret, in a way. 
Choose one, be smart, eh?